I am currently busy worshiping at the shrine of the tidy goddess, Marie Kondo. 
Thank you for the KonMari Method.  
​It brings me joy.

If you have been hiding under a rock and haven't heard about this revolutionary book by Japanese "goddess of tidying" Marie Kondo, I urge you to check it out.  Or just come over to our house and I'll show you want I've been able to accomplish the past two weeks.

Before I even get started about what this book has done for me and our house, 10 take-aways from The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing:

1. Only keep what brings you joy.  Simple, yet very complex.
2. Every thing has an energy and a place where it is happiest.  Clothes should be folded in little triangles [even my socks!!!]; everything should be vertical, not stacked; arrange items lightest to darkest.  <---THIS.  This is powerful to me.  It changes my whole outlook on what to buy and what I bring into my house.  I know it's silly, but I now consider how the items left in our house would react to a new pillow, new towel, new table, etc.
3. Thank the items you discard for their service; "Thank you JCREW coat for keeping me warm during the coldest of months"; "Thank you Old Navy dress for being cute for that one time I wore you before you shrunk in the wash"; "Thank you skirt for helping me realize that a trumpet shape is not flattering to my body type", etc.
4. Discard by item type - all the clothes, pile them in front of you and touch each item asking "does it bring you joy?" - all the books, pile them in front of you and touch each one asking "does it bring you joy?" - all the CDs, Movies, TV sets, kitchen utensils, towels, shampoo bottles, makeup, post-it notes, sharpie markers.........you get the picture.  Instead of organizing by SPACE, sorting and discarding by TYPE really gives you a good understanding of HOW MUCH STUFF you have and how many repeats you have.  [We aren't even going to talk about how many candles I have in the house...]
5. Empty your purse and wallet at the end of every day and thank them for keeping you organized and hauling all your crap around all day.  I'm not going to lie - this has been the BIGGEST improvement for me.  I never forget my chapstick or a pen or that letter to be mailed.  I have my purses and a tray set up in a hallway cabinet (that used to be full of blankets, batteries, rugs, scentsy cubes...) and now every day I can make the decision of which bag best suits my daily purpose and pack it accordingly.  This is also where I leave sticky notes of things to not forget, because I can't leave the house without my keys and wallet.
6. Store all similar items together.  All the towels together.  All the blankets together.  All the batteries together.  All the cleaning supplies together.  It actually does not save time if you have all of these things spread around the house - and you actually end up wasting money thinking you are out of scrubbing bubbles, but you had 3 bottles under all the bathroom sinks.  You will then have the knowledge of when you are truly out of something, because there is little to none left in the ONE location in which that item is stored.  GENIUS!  Why I thought I should have matches all over the house, or books strewn everywhere, or shoes in 3 different closets...WHAT WAS I THINKING?!
7. No one is taught how to tidy.  Yes, we are taught to clean our room, or when things get dirty to clean them, but not how to tidy.  Cleaning and tidying are NOT the same thing.
8. Once you have successfully completed her tidying cycle (could take 6 months or so to sort, discard, and organize) you should never have to tidy again.  It isn't the ongoing, everlasting cycle of tidying one "zone" at a time.  Once all the things that no longer bring you joy are out of your house, personal discernment and judgement about what to keep in the future isn't difficult.  She boasts that she has had no clients relapse back into their untidy ways.
9. You HAVE to do it in the order in which she instruct you.  The difficult stuff/sentimental stuff is at the very end for a reason. Trust her system.  She is a highly introverted (kind of weird) human that has spent most of her LIFE studying the art of organization and tidying.
10. Lastly - once people start becoming more and more confident in their decision and discernment skills, they have found that their entire lives have changed; weightloss, new job, new passions, new hobbies, new friends, new relationships along with the strength to cut ties with old jobs, old passions, old friends and old relationships.  I already feel lighter, but it could just be from the constant movement and lifting of heavy bags of clothes, books, donations in and out of the car! :)

THE PRE-SURG PURGE - PART 2 will be all about our house and what this means for me and my healing process.

As soon as I made the decision to undergo a bilateral mastectomy, I knew that seeing a professional counselor would be on my list of to-dos to help prepare me for this next chapter of life's journey.  My doctor's agreed; in fact, every time I have gone in for a consultation or a check-up they have asked me if I have decided to see a counselor.  

At first this made me a little nervous.  

Did they see something inside of me, like a string being pulled so tight until it breaks?

But then I realized that they have seen so many women go through different stages of this process and know that having a professional listener is important to add to the "team".  It's my own personal "dream team" but instead of slam dunks, three pointers from downtown, and Ibaka-like blocking skills, my team is a group of caring, compassionate, confident, and capable health care professionals.  I couldn't ask for better.

Some people may not like to tell others that they see a counselor.  Some people may be embarrassed or ashamed, but I'm here to tell you that I see a counselor, every Tuesday at 2:30 and it was the best decision I've made in a long time.  

It clears my worrisome mind for more pleasant conversations with others; it makes me dig deeper past the jokes to see the real cause of hurt or pain or worry; it helps my husband because I'm not relying on him as my only sounding board. (Bonus, the therapist's office smells like a spa, so sometimes I just pretend that's where I am.)

Self-care is important.

Self-realization is important.

Understanding your own strengths and weaknesses is important and I can tell you that one of my weaknesses is that I carry a lot of worry around in my mind.  I worry about myself and then, if I haven't done enough damage already, I project that worry onto others (mainly my husband).  So it's nice to be able to unload a little bit of that worry with a professional and leave it at their doorstep for a little bit.  

I see the role of my therapist being EXTREMELY helpful after surgery.  There will be days when I don't feel so great, when my sex drive is low, when my self-esteem is even lower.  There will be days when I question my choices and worry about my future.  Then, it will be Tuesday at 2:30 and I know that I will be able to work some of this worry out with my professional.   

Please know that my husband is great.  He is supportive.  He reads this blog when he poops at work (<3 you honey).  He is a great listener and he is very positive when it comes to giving me praise to help me feel attractive.  But this surgery will create deeper wounds than just the scalpel makes and we are both prepared for that. 

For as long as I've been confident about my body and my womanly shape, I have relied on my breasts to be a positive feature of my body.  Even my plastic surgeon says they are great!  So one day, when the bandages come off, I will be coming to grips with a new set of breasts and what it will be like to temporarily not have nipples. (Don't worry, there WILL be an ENTIRE post about nipples.  I bet you can't wait for that one!)  

But then again, come Tuesday at 2:30, I'll be able to share these fears and insecurities with a professional and slowly through time, with my dream team in place, I'll be able to walk by a mirror and not even remember the deeper scars and hopefully not even see the visible scars.  I'll be able to appreciate my own figure as being ME and not ME plus a couple of plastic sacks of liquid behind my chest wall.

So, every six months I get to have my ovaries looked at in the most obtrusive way.  And I can say that I know some of the ultrasound techs in a biblical way.  

Yes, it is awkward.

Yes, it is uncomfortable for me and my Georgia O'Keeffe.

Yes, I realize how incredibly important it is for monitoring any signs of ovarian cancer.

NO, it is in no way enjoyable...not even a little bit.  (especially the bladder pressure part - bless you preggos in the world.)

Because of my BRCA2 mutation I have a > 27% chance to develop ovarian cancer in my lifetime, with a greater chance once I cross over age 70.  Those numbers are not as terrifying as the breast cancer chances (>87%).  I have no family history of ovarian cancer.  Most the women in my family have had early hysterectomies due to other health problems so they didn't quite make it to the prime ovarian cancer time and literally removed their cancer chances.  The transvaginal ultrasound, combined with screening blood tests, are the best way to monitor ovaries and be able to detect any cancer action.  Every six months, I go in to have a wand check out the most intimate part of my body and then wait patiently for the results.  At the end of the day, the ultrasound is not as bad as cancer and I KNOW this, but it's still not fun and I wish there was another way to monitor.  It seems that all the options to help women monitor their cancer risks are very obtrusive and down right cruel.  Probes and menopause...not fun.  Also, for women who have had children or who are wanting to have children, this could be a very difficult decision to make.

​I'm going to be super honest with you right now:
​Tim and I don't want to have kids. We didn't when we started dating.  We didn't when we got married.  We didn't at Christmas.  We didn't yesterday.  And we don't today.  

We've been told we are selfish.  We have been told that having children is the biggest blessing in the world.  We have been told we will regret it one day. 

I'm sure all of those things are true, but I also think it's selfish to only have kids so I have someone to take care of me when I'm old.  I also think that once people have kids, they spend all of their extra energy trying to figure out how to get rid of their kids.  So, yeah...we are selfish.

All that is being said to let you know that as soon as a doctor told me that I would need to have my ovaries removed I PUMPED THE BREAKS SOOOO HARD!  But what if I need to use those one day?  What if Tim and I just wake up on a random Tuesday and decide we want to have children but don't want to adopt?  What if I really wanted stretch marks and a human parasite sucking all of my energy and money until the day I day.

AND THEN I CALMED DOWN and reminded myself that having children is not one of my life goals or priorities.  I feel more of a connection to puppies than I do babies.  [Please know that I do not hate children or babies, I love them.  I just don't want them for myself.  Just like leather leggings - I love how they look on some people and I am not one of those people.]

And then they told me about menopause.