I know you really don't want to talk about this...but...

I FINALLY POOPED!!!

Hallelujah! 

Praise the Lord!

I have never been so relieved!!  (Pun intended)

I was worried about being stopped up,  but boy oh boy,  I never thought it would be that bad. 

I took mirolax,  drank kombucha,  and enjoyed my regular dose of coffee and four days after surgery, at 4:30AM on Friday I finally claimed my victory.  I never would have thought the actual act of pooping would hurt so bad - especially since my chest was recently ripped open and all. 

My advice to you -  they say "stay ahead of the pain" and that's important,  but stay ahead of your poop!  Roughage,  load up on stool softeners,  take probiotics,  call Jamie Lee Curtis and ask her about poop yogurt, and drink kombucha.  Also, if you are as lucky as I am to have a dear friend who gives you the gift of medicated cottonelle wipes - keep both the friend and the wipes,  they will come in handy.

Also,  another personal victory - Tim and I have made it through another medical trauma without having a husband/wife butt wiping situation.  There are just some mysteries that I would like to remain unsolved. 

Well,  I just had an entire post written and then it disappeared.

Percocet and blogging = not a good mixture. 

After one night in the hospital,  I am home and learning how to be dependent on someone else for everything.   I can manage to use the restroom on my own...so there are small victories. 

Tim is the greatest and I've already apologized about 1 million times for being an inconvenience, because that's what girls do when we are being an inconvenience.   I wish that weren't true  but I am a chronic apologizer.

I got to shower yesterday which was nice.   Tim doesn't really know how to wash long girl hair,  so we are going for the grunge look until further notice.   The 90's are back,  right!?  I'll just be over here wearing oversized flannel,  doc martens,  and perfecting the bedhead look.

I still haven't pooped which is kind of shitty.

I walked out of the hospital on Tuesday with replacement boobs.  Foobs.  Dr.  Masters was able to perform direct to implant reconstruction.  This means no expanders,  only two drains instead of four, and generally less recovery time.  Woohoo!!  Also,  it should be known that I kept making the joke that Tim bought me fake tits for my 31st birthday.   I'm classy. 

I can't really do too much for myself except go to the restroom so it is quite frustrating to be dependent on someone else for food,  water,  laundry,  and who is going to keep the dirty dishes from piling up in the sink!?!   I can already tell you that I am thankful of the KonMari Method and how I was able to organize a large portion of my daily needs so they are easy to find and navigate.  

I'm already bored for television but I can't quite read yet.  And I can't reach across a table for a puzzle, so then I just fall asleep. 

I know that all of this discomfort and independence on others is a short term situation and I am already so thankful for the opportunity to take such a huge proactive step in stopping the cycle of breast cancer in my family.  

So,  until I can really formulate complete blog structure and thoughts, I bid you goodnight and swear to not answer any work emails while heavily medicated.

Let's take this one day at a time!  

This week has been a bit rough.  

From the time we scheduled my surgery I felt that I had this massive expanse of time staring back at me. 

All of a sudden I have already paid my surgeon, packed my hospital bag, and worried about the carload of donations I have that still need to go to Goodwill before I check into the hospital.  Also, I should have scheduled for the dogs to get a bath and for the carpets to get cleaned and for the bug spray guy to come, but I didn't.  #regrets

I just want pie.  
And cake.  
And wine.  
And so much chocolate.  
And to cry.
And to sleep.  
And to read.  
And do jumping jacks.  
And run a marathon.  [OK...just kidding about the marathon.]

God bless my therapist.  I really don't know where I would be without one.  Thanks for the breathing techniques, they have already come in handy.

Tomorrow, Tim is taking me to see Pride & Prejudice and Zombies and then I'm spending the afternoon at Udander for a day of relaxation and pampering.  

Because I'm a PRINCESS!!!

I've already been getting wonderful presents from wonderful people - puzzles, coloring books, boob pillows, butt wipes, chocolate, wine, and a deck of Hillary Clinton for president playing cards - which means I have the best of friends who know me so well!

Flowers and Food are also accepted!  Please remember that I am a genetic mutant, cursed for eternity with a BRCA2 mutation and celiacs disease - so no gluten.  I can't eat it - not that I don't want to (I have dreams of eating Eischen's Chicken at least once a month).


*breath in 7...6...5...4...3...2...1...*
*hold for 3...2...1...*
*breath out for 5...4...3...2...1...*