I've got a case of the mondays

This wasn't part of my original post schedule,
but then again,
​nothing ever really goes according to plan.

As part of the "coming to grips with my own mortality" and preparing to be dependent on others for care and general vulnerability, I have been really doing some soul searching lately. 
​
The past few years I have been amazed by the friendship litmus test.  

My scale for making friends:
Elementary school - was easy.  Just don't eat your boogers, play with glue the appropriate amount of ways, wear jordache, keep your polly pockets neat and tight and so on.

Middle school - horrible.  I think.  I had a horrible concussion in the 8th grade that led to me being able to forget most of middle school. HOW CONVENIENT.  I remember that being able to rollerblade was important...I never learned how.

High School - rough, but not the worst. I had my group of friends, I was student council president and the school mascot, so I didn't have it too bad.  And I got to use a microphone at assemblies.  Life was pretty golden.  I still wish I had that microphone situation today.

College - So much fun exploring myself and who I was going to be in the world.  Had a tight knit group of friends, but in the end we all went our separate ways after college.  One has a PhD.  One said he couldn't be friends with a single girl because he was getting married.  Others just disappeared, or I gave up trying.  

First job after college - GREAT! We were all about the same age, doing the same job, getting to travel and do fun things.  

30? - Making friends and keeping friends is tough shit.  I've learned that some people hold on through the big life moments like marriage, babies, deaths in the family, but others see that major life change as the chance to GTFO.  

I get it.  I'm not saying I haven't been able to reevaluate friendships along the way, but when it happens to you, with people that you trusted and loved for so long, it is really low blow.  It's worse than a romantic breakup.  WAY worse.  

As I get closer and closer to my surgery date, I have been CONSTANTLY reminded of the friends who are stepping up to the plate and those have seemingly faded into the background.  To those of you who have called and texted and messaged and emailed - I love you and I need you, so thank you.  To those of you who haven't, I'm ok, because I guess our friendship just wasn't made of the tough stuff, and that's OK.  

It is so fulfilling to have [multiple] friends (and even acquaintances) offer to bring me coffee and sweets while I'm homebound, because most of you know I have a no-shame love affair with coffee and SUGAR!  What's even better, is that I realize that this is my chance to slow down and reevaluate my life's priorities.  It has given me a clear picture of the wonderful people I want to surround myself with and what kind of friend I want to be to them in the future.  Because at the end of the day, I've been given a chance to change, to improve, to LIVE and as the modern philosopher Tim McGraw writes, I want to love deeper, speak sweeter, and give forgiveness that I've been denying.