talking to a professional helps

I started seeing a therapist.
There ain't no shame in my game.

As soon as I made the decision to undergo a bilateral mastectomy, I knew that seeing a professional counselor would be on my list of to-dos to help prepare me for this next chapter of life's journey.  My doctor's agreed; in fact, every time I have gone in for a consultation or a check-up they have asked me if I have decided to see a counselor.  

At first this made me a little nervous.  

Did they see something inside of me, like a string being pulled so tight until it breaks?

But then I realized that they have seen so many women go through different stages of this process and know that having a professional listener is important to add to the "team".  It's my own personal "dream team" but instead of slam dunks, three pointers from downtown, and Ibaka-like blocking skills, my team is a group of caring, compassionate, confident, and capable health care professionals.  I couldn't ask for better.

Some people may not like to tell others that they see a counselor.  Some people may be embarrassed or ashamed, but I'm here to tell you that I see a counselor, every Tuesday at 2:30 and it was the best decision I've made in a long time.  

It clears my worrisome mind for more pleasant conversations with others; it makes me dig deeper past the jokes to see the real cause of hurt or pain or worry; it helps my husband because I'm not relying on him as my only sounding board. (Bonus, the therapist's office smells like a spa, so sometimes I just pretend that's where I am.)

Self-care is important.

Self-realization is important.

Understanding your own strengths and weaknesses is important and I can tell you that one of my weaknesses is that I carry a lot of worry around in my mind.  I worry about myself and then, if I haven't done enough damage already, I project that worry onto others (mainly my husband).  So it's nice to be able to unload a little bit of that worry with a professional and leave it at their doorstep for a little bit.  

I see the role of my therapist being EXTREMELY helpful after surgery.  There will be days when I don't feel so great, when my sex drive is low, when my self-esteem is even lower.  There will be days when I question my choices and worry about my future.  Then, it will be Tuesday at 2:30 and I know that I will be able to work some of this worry out with my professional.   

Please know that my husband is great.  He is supportive.  He reads this blog when he poops at work (<3 you honey).  He is a great listener and he is very positive when it comes to giving me praise to help me feel attractive.  But this surgery will create deeper wounds than just the scalpel makes and we are both prepared for that. 

For as long as I've been confident about my body and my womanly shape, I have relied on my breasts to be a positive feature of my body.  Even my plastic surgeon says they are great!  So one day, when the bandages come off, I will be coming to grips with a new set of breasts and what it will be like to temporarily not have nipples. (Don't worry, there WILL be an ENTIRE post about nipples.  I bet you can't wait for that one!)  

But then again, come Tuesday at 2:30, I'll be able to share these fears and insecurities with a professional and slowly through time, with my dream team in place, I'll be able to walk by a mirror and not even remember the deeper scars and hopefully not even see the visible scars.  I'll be able to appreciate my own figure as being ME and not ME plus a couple of plastic sacks of liquid behind my chest wall.